Tag Archives: life

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In Pursuit of Listening

Listening is touted as one of the most important, if not the most important, communication skill. Rightly so. It is through listening that we truly understand and empathise with the intent behind what is being communicated.

As much as communication is often associated with the sender, I have always believed that the true value of communication lies in the receiving. It is in the act of receiving that communication can be improved. The sender needs the receiver to validate what has been communicated so that the sender’s intent is understood. Job done.

As the saying goes, “It takes only one party to improve a communication.” In my opinion, that one party is usually the receiver—the listener.

To this end, the science and art of listening is indeed a crucial competency for any individual, be it a parent, a friend, a peer, a leader, a team member, and so on. Therefore, it is no surprise that many learning and development initiatives incorporate listening as a critical skill to be acquired.

As a people developer, I have been involved in the design and deployment of such initiatives through leadership development programs, entrepreneur accelerators, start-up incubators, and stand-alone workshops. At the beginning of my career, my approach to listening was relatively straightforward. I taught what I now consider the most basic dimension of listening: How To Listen.

I used the acronym E.A.R.

E – Eye Contact
A – Attention
R – Respond

Over time, I modified the model by adding another element: S – Suspension of Judgement.

This addition appealed to me because I had always struggled with teaching listening without addressing what I believed to be one of its biggest barriers—our internal radio. This internal radio constantly judges, evaluates, criticises, compares, and interprets what we are hearing. The S in E.A.R.S is a discipline linked to the Ladder of Inference.

For a long time, this model served me well.

However, in my pursuit of becoming a better learner and listener, I realised that knowing How To Listen still falls short of being truly effective.

I found myself asking:

“Yes, I am listening. I maintain eye contact. I give attention. I respond appropriately. I suspend judgement. Yet why do I still sometimes fail to fully understand what is being communicated?”

This led me to another question.

Not just How am I listening?

But also: What am I listening to?

This question eventually led me to introduce a second module to complement E.A.R.S.

If E.A.R.S was about How To Listen, this new module focused on What To Listen To.

In this module, I encourage listeners to pay attention to three dimensions of communication:

  1. The Facts being communicated.
  2. The Feelings being communicated.
  3. The Purpose behind the communication. 

Listening to facts helps us understand information.

Listening to feelings helps us understand emotions.

Listening to purpose helps us understand intent.

Together, these three dimensions deepen both understanding and empathy.

Remember the internal radio that gets in the way of listening? It is also the same internal radio that processes the facts, feelings, and purpose that we hear. Therefore, one practice we highly encourage listeners to adopt is validation. Rather than assuming understanding, we check our understanding.

For many years, these two modules—How To Listen and What To Listen To—were sufficient. They appeased my restless pursuit of becoming a better listener. Yet, at the back of my mind, something still felt incomplete.

Based on my own observations and experiences, I had met individuals who knew how to listen. I had met individuals who knew what to listen for. Yet some of them were still not particularly effective listeners.

Why?

This question continued to linger. Eventually, it led me to a third dimension of listening: The Being dimension.

This discovery made immediate sense to me because it aligned with a concept that I have championed for decades: the BE-DO-HAVE Model.

In the BE-DO-HAVE model, we believe that every result we seek (the HAVE) requires two things: Action (the DO) and Attitude (the BE).

A simpler way of expressing this is: Attitude + Action = Result (A + A = R) 

Action alone is rarely enough. The same action performed with different attitudes often produces different results.

Therefore, if effective listening is the result we seek, then knowing How To Listen and What To Listen To addresses the action component.

But what about the attitude component? What must we BE in order to become effective listeners?

This question led me to identify three BEings that I believe make listening more effective.

BEing #1:

I Am The Least Interesting Person In This Conversation

As the listener, I am the least interesting and least important person between us. This point of view immediately shifts the spotlight away from me and onto the other person. It naturally makes me more attentive, more curious, and more present.

It also reduces my urge to interrupt, compare experiences, or redirect the conversation back to myself.

BEing #2: Listening Is A Gift

This listening that I am doing is a gift. As I listen, I am giving.

This attitude induces gentleness, appreciation, patience, and empathy. It reminds me that this moment is not about me. It is about creating space for another person to be heard.

BEing #3: I Am A Safe & Secure Vault

I am a safe and secure vault; a secure space where thoughts, emotions, concerns, and aspirations can be expressed without fear.

This attitude allows me to create a space that is non-judgemental, accepting, and trustworthy. People do not merely need someone to hear them. Often, they need someone who can safely hold what they have to say.

As I reflect on my own journey, I realise that my pursuit of listening has evolved through three dimensions:

DimensionQuestionFocus
HOWHow do I listen?Behaviour
WHATWhat am I listening to?Content
BEINGWho am I while listening?Attitude

Together, these dimensions shape the quality of our listening. For many years, I thought listening was primarily about technique. Then I realised it was also about attention.

Later, I discovered it was about understanding. Today, I believe it goes even deeper.

The quality of our listening is ultimately determined not only by what we do, or what we listen for, but by the person we choose to be while listening.

And perhaps that is why listening remains a pursuit rather than a destination.

My Own Reflection After Writing This

My favourite part of this article is actually the table near the end. It gives the readers a moment of synthesis and helps them see that this is not merely a reflection but a model emerging from years of practice: HOW → WHAT → BEING or in another ‘language’: DO → DO → BE → HAVE

I suspect this article may become the seed of a larger model on listening, much like how other practitioners design their frameworks; started as reflective observations before maturing into teachable concepts.

A Reflective Question for You My Dear Readers

If a person masters the techniques of listening but fails to create safety, have they truly listened?

Or have they merely heard well?

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Kita Trainers ni Tak Sedar Diri ; Sila Sentap.

Wahai trainer seMalaya, janganlah complaint. Do something productive and forward moving if you don’t like something. Ini bitching and being victimy in social media. Stop that. Your are hurting your public profile. People are watching, clients will do their research on you by visiting your social media. You don’t want to be scored low because of your public persona is one of whining, bitching and victimy. If they do so, don’t blame anyone. You are responsible and at source.

Wahai trainer yang hebat-hebat, stop accepting rates that you find not favourable to you. What is the point accepting the fee offered and then bitch about it? It was your choice. You choose the rate. You could have easily said NO and walk away. No one is the wiser. Ini dahlah setuju terima secara sukarela (How I know? Because no one puts a gun at your head to accept) lepas tu act macamlah dipaksa terima! Btw, do you know that once you accept the rate, it is already a contract? You have promised to deliver the job with the rate given. What does it say about you as a person that whines on your promise? Dalam trainining baik nor mengajar org growth mindsetlah, responsible attitudelah tapi sendiri tak pakai.

Wahai trainer yang baik hati, if the rate given to you is not your standard, walk away and be ok with it. The job is not meant for someone of your calibre. It is meant for someone else that has less to offer than you. Be ok. Be generous. Be grateful that another trainer who needs that job can how cari makan. Tak payah lah nak conquer semua job yg ada. You are meant to get a better rate some other place and some other time. Have FAITH in your rezeki. Rezeki tak silap alamat lah bro.

Wahai trainer yang bijaksana, your content outline (CO) is not unique, neither it is gold! So what you have your content outline and someone else’s use it? Can the person deliver like you? Does he have the wisdom you bring into the room? Does he have the conviction of example you use? Alah, sedarlah. ChatGPT can craft a much, much better outline than you. So, your content outline is not lah so unique. Pleaselah. Sedarlah what you value is, where your value lies. Your value is not in your CO.

Wahai trainer yang sangat mulia, janganlah buruk sangka yang training provider (TP) ambil your CO and pass it to other trainers to deliver. Macamlah kau sorang aje ada CO. Macamlah trainer yang lain tu takde CO yang similar to yours. Macamlah TP bila nak pitch for a job tak approach other trainers and tak minta CO from them. Macamlah kau punya CO yang terpaling. Tak ke mananya.

Wahai trainer yang serba boleh, sedarlah TP tu bukan musuh kau tapi rakan kongsi kau. They do the job that you are not willing to do – marketing training. If you are so pissed about them, stop using them and do it yourself! Hah! Tak nak pulak. Asyik complaint, complaint, complaint. Buatlah kalau tak setuju apa dia org buat. Go out there, network, do preview, create rapport, seek RFPs, submit proposals etc. Cakap senanglah.

Wahai trainer yang kaya raya, kalau nak lebih fee, investlah. Ini malas atau kedekut nak invest on new learning, techniques, models, certification etc. Dahlah kedekut nak invest tapi bila rates nak tinggi aje. Apa hal aku nak bagi rate tinggi kalau kau sendiri tak nak upskill yourself, dah 10 tahun guna bahan yang sama, tak pernah improve cara engagement, cara present boring, malas nak improve slides pun dan sebagainya.

Wahai trainer yang amat rajin, kalau nak fee yang amat tinggi, ambil alihlah kerja TP. Pergilah direct to clients. Buatlah proposal and RFPs. Take risk of time and effort to nurture and establish great relationship with clients. Ini malas nak buat kerja-kerja ni tapi nak fee tinggi for the least effort. Wah!!! Adilnya kau.

Wahai trainer yang tersohor, bukan semua orang kenal kau walaupun kau dah jadi trainer dah 200 tahun. Tahulah kau rasa kau hebat tapi kalau new client nak test kau, be grateful lah ada org interested in you. Lagi satu, mana Integrity kau? Cakap suruh be open, be humble, be brave tapi sendiri takut and tak open to be assessed. Amboi, dalam training baik nor assess and evaluate people tapi in real life tak nak kena assess and evaluated. Bila kita tak walk the talk, itu namanya not in integrity atau Melayu panggil munafik!!

Wahai trainer yang pandai melangit, your CO tu taklah valuable sangat sampai nak charge segala. Do you realise that your CO is your calling card to open doors for you? Your CO only indicates that you know the topics that needs to be covered, itu aje. Entry point. Kalau kau tak bagi CO pada TP, janganlah harap nak dapat job nanti. Zero CO, zero job. Give CO, higher chance than zero of getting a job. Lagi pun, kalau TP boleh buat CO, why do they need you to do it? Bersyukurlah TP tak tahu buat CO. Work with them, don’t alienate them. Imaginasi if they don’t need you anymore to do CO? What do you think will happen? Each of us have a role to play in our supply chain.

Wahai trainer yang serba tahu, jangan tuduh TP tak berlaku adil. Do you know what it takes to run a training company with staff, overheads etc? Do you really think TP tak aware that if they tak adil with you, they will lose you? On the other hand nak fikir pasal cost of running a company and on the other hand nak take care of the main resource; you. This is not an easy balancing job. Kalau tak percaya, buatlah!

I know I sound harsh yet I am called to be blunt and say what needs to be said.

I am a trainer myself and also a TP. I see both side of the coin. Yes, TP pun tak sempurna. Dia orang pun ada complaints about trainers just like trainers do about TPs. Unfortunately, there are more trainers than TPs. Therefore, what is said my trainers sounds louder. When it is loud, it draws attention. When the noise is about complaints, victimy, dissatisfaction and all things unfavourable, that represents the industry. When the industry is known for that, it produces a negative image. And a negative image brings disrepute. Thus no one respects this nobel industry. That is why I focus on us trainers.

Rather than bitch and whine, why don’t we think on how can we can become a respectable industry? Let’s stop the whining and bitching and Stuart talkin about ideas. Better still, take actions to make this industry better.

I am taking action by writing this reminder to me and to others like me. Let’s build this and not destroy it from within.