Mistakes Are Not Learning

We hear this very often; Mistake is an opportunity to learn. However, this quote is incomplete because as you read it, the automatic understanding is when we make a mistake, we actually learn. It is as if the act of making mistake makes us learn. Unfortunately, it is not as simple as that. There is actually a process that we need to take the mistake through in order for it to be a learning. This is why a lot of our mistakes goes wasted because we don’t take those mistakes through the process needed for learning to emerge.

The process can be remembered by its acronym M.A.R.A.A. The pronunciation of this acronym sound similar to the Malay word mara which means moving forward; how appropriate J So, what does this acronym stands for? The poster below gives you the answer.

Let us now unpack each step of the process to appreciate this process.

ADMISSION is the second step and it is a crucial step because this is also the hardest step. Plenty a time we feel we have made a mistake yet we do not admit it. We brush it aside, sweep it under the carpet in hope we are not reminded of the mistake so that we can go on. This could be because of ego, shyness etc. Without us admitting that it was a mistake, we would not acknowledge its existence and more importantly we might not surrender to the fact that it was a mistake. This eliminates our ownership of the mistake such that we will be reluctant to embrace and study it which is needed in the third step.

MISTAKE is the start of this process. What is a mistake? A mistake is an act or judgement that didn’t produce the desired result. The mistake is not immediate a learning yet if we do not take it to the next step. 

REFLECTION is the third step. In this step, we will need to have the strength to look back at the mistake, however painful it is. That is why we need to admit it first. Here, we look at the event or series of events leading to the mistake. In a nutshell reliving it. That is why courage is needed in this process. It is important to stay neutral during this reflection so that we see the whole picture. Again admission helps in doing this. As we reflect neutrally, new data points will emerge to give us better all-round sense of what has happened. It is important for us to scan this mistake for us to be able to move onto the next step.

ANALYSIS is the fourth step in this process. What analysis? Analysis is a detailed examination of the elements or structure of something. Taking the data points available from the reflection, we now look at a couple of elements such as:

  • what elements were ‘right’ or effective and why it was so
  • what elements were ‘wrong’ or ineffective and why it was so
  • why did it happen the way it happened
  • what were the underlying factors that made it the way it was.

The above can also be called sense making. With these analysis we will than make some conclusions. This fourth step is where the learning emerges. However, it is still not truly a learning until we do something about it which is the last step in the process.

ACTIONING is the fifth and last step in the process. We than need to create some action to rectify or create a new path to result from the conclusion.  When this is done and we get the desired result we were aiming for, only then can we truly say the mistake is a learning for us based on the new result that we have created which is one that we desire.

In conclusion, mistakes are only learning if we embrace it, make sense of it and create a new reality from it. Otherwise, we are doomed to repeat it and not be able to create a new reality; a desired one.

IT IS A MATTER OF CLARITY IN IDENTITY

“If you want to create clarity and be more empathetic, engage in a conversation.” This was exactly what I did yesterday in a Clubhouse conversation concerning the recent issue embroiling the L&D fraternity. Thank you Johan Irwan Kamarozaman, Bavani Periasamy, Jegatheeswaran Manoharan, Capt Shan Moorthi, Datuk Vicks dan Rajesh Shivanand Wadhwani (those that I know) that were there sharing authentically their POV.

As I listen to the other speakers and myself share, it suddenly dawned on me that our identity dictates our action and how others respond to us. If we are not clear of our identity or the identity of the person we are engaging with, this is where the breakdown happens. On the surface, the breakdown seems to be the result of actions taken. However, I see the breakdown happens so much earlier because the actions that are taken and the reactions resulting from those actions are just a manifestation of an earlier breakdown; unaware or refusal or confusion of identity.

Let’s take the recent ruckus of HRDF charging a service fee of 4%. The unhappiness came from two fronts; the charging itself and the ‘haste’ or unilateral decision HRDF made in implementing it. Now to some, this is unfair. How can they charge us 4%? Are they not thinking about us? So unfair. Why do they need 4% anyway, etc, etc,etc? The actions of HRDF is incomprehensible to some because their actions are contradicting their identity and anytime this happens, even in our natural life, confusion happens, emotions go haywire.

Let’s take a step back and examine what identity are they operating from such that they ‘sampai hati’ took the actions and decisions. If their identity is that of a Government agency, then I would say YES, their actions and decision are not aligned to a Government agency that is meant to ‘jaga rakyat’, develop the eco-system in a manner that is collaborative and empathetic. However, this is not the case. This has been highlighted by the COO of HRDF himself, within their ‘akta’ and last night was again pointed out by ex-HRDF CEO Datuk Vicks. This is nothing new. It has been there all the while.

HRDF is a company limited by guarantee. They are to operate like any company. The main differences are that they can’t make a ‘profit’ and their shareholder is the government. The salary and operations of HRDF are not paid by the Government. Their staff are not Government Servants therefore not the Rakyat’s employee. Within this identity, they have every right to do what they did. Imagine your company, own by you, decides to increase your rates or charge a fee for a certain service. Isn’t it within your right to do so without the need to consult others? Of course. Now, is that prudent and good practice? I would say no. But that is beside the point. The point is, it is the right of a company to do so.

The confusion of this identity stems from the fact that HRDF as a company, have decided to engage the training providers in their conversations. This is nothing new. This has been done even during the time of Datuk Amiruddin. His time being the CE was my entry point dealing with HRDF. Therefore, that is my earliest reference. This practice has continued over the years with other CE such as Datuk Vicks and the current CEO, Datuk Shahul. This is where we as L&D practitioners ‘kena sedar diri’. This practice is not a must. It is a courtesy they have decided to support the eco-system. We the L&D practitioners have to realise we are what is called secondary stakeholders. This is another breakdown in identity on our part. I have heard personally from HRDF years ago and from then on have repeated it many a time to others that HRDF priority is to the employer who is their main stakeholders not to us the trainers. Their loyalty lies with the employers; they take care of the interest of the employers. Again this is understandable given their identity as a company. Again is this prudent practice? And again this is not the issue. “What is a right? “and “What is the best practice?” are mutually exclusive. This is just like “What is legal?” and “What is ethical?” are two different things.

Now, why is the clarity of their identity and our identity is important? Well, it is important because this clarity allows us to respond accordingly. We can now respond to HRDF as we respond to any company. Let’s be clear and treat them like a company. If we feel they are not transparent, treat them as a company. If we think what they are doing is not legal, treat them as a company. Can we dialogue with them as a company, of course, we can but don’t expect the same result of having a dialogue with the government. A case in point. It is my practice that when a government agency makes a request for training or a speaking engagement, I will lower my fee or even give it for free because the nation-building agenda is heavy with them. Now since HRDF is a company, I shall charge my corporate rate. I will not budge. Why must I? It is within my right to do so. If they disagree, well, they have every right to look for another trainer or speaker.

The same principle should be applied TO HRDF just like when we are dealing with companies out there. If I feel McDonald’s is not giving me what I want, I can complain or make a request for a dialogue with them but I am clear that the outcome is not the same as me having a dialogue with the government or my employees. If I am not bothered to do so, I stop going to McDonald and go to Burger King instead. This is our right to respond to another company. It is that simple.

Imagine I am not happy with my paper supplier because he hiked his price, I can complain and request for the old price, knowing full well that my supplier has every right to not grant my request. If that is so, I can now decide to stay with that company or choose another one. It is my supplier’s right to not reduce his price and it is my right to look elsewhere for a better deal. Is it prudent of my supplier to do so? I say no because eventually, he will lose a lot of credibility and business. However, if my supplier is the only supplier of paper, he will not care and I need to live with it and be creative to deal with the hike in price that he decided to do.

So in that case, what can I do? A few things I can suggest:

  1. Don’t use paper; go paperless
  2. Use less paper
  3. Complain to the power-that-be that this needs to be looked at
  4. Find an alternative to paper so that I can continue doing what. I am doing as effective as not having paper. Meaning the absence of paper doesn’t disrupt me
  5. Be a paper supplier

My parting words are, as we are clear of each other’s identity, empathy comes in and our response moving forward is also clear. No more being a victim of the situation. What a relief.

The Tale of Two Bananas

Deep in the jungles of Borneo, there is a pristine valley. The valley is surrounded by high mountains inaccessible to other animals of the jungle what more humans. That is why this valley is unexplored by humankind. It is so secluded that it has its own micro-climate and flora and fauna. In this valley, the most dominant of the animals were the monkeys. There were two types of monkeys in this micro-ecosystem; the brown-faced monkey and the pale-butt monkey.

In terms of population, the pale-butt monkeys are eight times more than the brown-faced monkeys. Character-wise, the brown-faced monkey is quiet, thoughtful, observant and industrious while the pale-butt monkey is the showman of the valley – flamboyant, convincing, highly energetic and always in a hurry. With such contrasting characteristics, there is bound to be one that is admired above the other; albeit slightly.

The pale-butt monkey is the life of the party; everyone loves them. They are great public speakers and showmen. A natural entertainer, the valley animal folks love them. They are popular while the brown-faced monkey is revered silently by the valley animal folks.

The monkeys’ favourite staple was yellow bananas. They are tasty, easy to find and in abundance; in fact overflowing. That is why it is their favourite especially for the pale-butt monkeys. Since they are very busy strutting around, they have very little time to be bothered to look elsewhere for food.

In the valley, there was only one place that the bananas grew; in a piece of land between the waterfall and the rapids. This is where you will be able to meet all the pale-butt monkeys, especially during meal times.

This is not so for the brown-faced monkeys. Even though some of them do eat the yellow bananas, the majority of them prefer to travel a little bit further up a hill where there are delicious red bananas. These red bananas are definitely more tasty than the yellow ones however takes slightly more effort to peel. This factor added to the travel time to get up the hill makes the red bananas undesirable to the pale-butt monkeys.

As the story goes, one fine day, without warning, without fanfare, a terrible foul-smelling mustard coloured haze swept down the mountains and engulfed the whole valley. No one knows where it came from. It is the first time ever such a haze descended upon the pristine valley. For two days and two nights, the valley was wrapped in this terrible mustard haze.

Even though it is unpleasant to the nose, it did not bring with it an obvious side effect; so we thought. However, the animal folks of the valley decided to keep themselves indoor fearing that being exposed to such a haze might jeopardise their health.

After two days, the haze lifted and the valley once again was back to its normal pristine, fresh and green self. Once the haze has gone, the monkeys came out and made a rush to their favourite yellow bananas. Once there, they ate till their heart content and enjoyed the chance to play along the riverbank.

Things were the same the next week. On the eight days of the departure of the haze, the monkeys notice that the banana trees are not flowering and bearing fruit fast enough.

Among the pale-butt monkey, this did not raise any concern. However, the brown-faced monkey saw a similar trend among the red bananas as well and this concerned them. They tried to warn the pale-butt monkeys about being more concern about the situation and start making plans in case the yellow bananas cease to bear fruits.

The pale-butt monkeys decided that the situation is temporary. Why panic? Chill and let’s wait and see what happens. Most probably, things will return to normal. That was the strategy the pale-butt monkey settled upon.

The brown-faced monkey didn’t subscribe to that strategy. They begin to look around by sending scouting parties all over the valley observing what was happening elsewhere. Upon the return of the scouting parties, the brown-faced monkey decided to seek a more stable source of food.

One of the scouting party has reported that they heard that a new breed of red bananas is growing at the top of the mountain. This was reported by the doves because they were the ones who saw it flying over the mountain into the valley.

The brown-faced monkey shared this finding to the pale-butt monkeys yet it fell on deft ears. Excuses they hear from the pale-butt monkeys are like it takes too much effort for just a banana, even though it is a red delicious banana. Another popular excuse is that it takes too long to climb the mountain just to eat. Might as well wait at the yellow bananas. There is also the excuse that they don’t know how to get there and that they are monkeys and are not equipped to hike up mountains. And the most famous excuse of all; why would I spend the energy from the yellow banana to go find a red banana. Many of the pale-faced monkeys even laughed at the brown-faced monkeys for wanting to harvest the red bananas up the mountain.

With that snub, the brown-faced monkey set in motion their plan to increase their food resource. They started by gathering intelligence and confirming the existence of the red bananas on top of the mountain. The search yielded proof that not only red bananas were up the mountain, but they are also of a hybrid that is resilient to the mustard-haze, full of nutrients, easy to grow and very delicious!

The brown-faced monkeys seek the help of the mountain goats to teach them how to hike up the mountain, the dove for navigation lessons, the wild boar for trail building and the buffalo for stamina and strength lessons.

They also hired the beaves, paying them with red bananas to relocate their home from the hills of the red bananas to a place nearer to the mountain so that they are ready to hike the mountain anytime they need to.

In the meantime, the pale-butt monkeys looked at the efforts of the brown-faced monkeys and continued mocking the idea of going for the red bananas on the mountain.

Days go by and weeks goes by. Suddenly, one day, a heavy downpour descends onto the valley. This is indeed a rare occasion because even though it rains in the valley, but the rain is always small; can also be described as drizzles.

Right after the rain, the yellow bananas grew in abundance to the delight of the pale-butt monkeys. This became the brunt of the teasing of the brown-faced monkeys by the pale-butt monkeys. The brown-faced monkeys were not deterred. They kept to their plan.

Alas, the false fortune of the pale-butt monkeys did not last. After two months, the yellow banana yield decreases tremendously, almost to a nought.

By now, the brown-faced monkeys have established their home in between the hill and the mountain; enjoying the red bananas of the mountain.

I wonder what will happen to the pale-butt monkeys in the months to come?

Current news: Till today, the pale-butt monkeys are still waiting at the yellow banana trees hoping, praying and waiting for the heavy rain to come again or the yield of the yellow banana trees will return to normal.

Winners Do Quit

Path to Quitting

I have always been fascinated by the quotation attributed to Vince Lombardi, the American Football coach, that goes like this “Winners Never Quits and Quitters Never Win”. When I was younger, it is a quotation that fuels me because it is one of those quotes that is very romantic because it is idealistic. That was how I read it.

As I grew older my idealism is slowly intermixed with pragmatism and this quotation begins to disturb me. On one hand I want it to be true on the other hand there is a feeling that the quotation might need to be examined because it seem a harsh, unrealistic and unforgiving dogma. Nothing can be that absolute because it seems unwavering and pushes you unrealistically to stick to something you started without any option of a recourse. At this age, I didn’t have the insight neither the life experience to make sense of it. Yes on one hand it is true that you shouldn’t quit but on the other hand, really there is no quitting even for a good cause?

As I enter into midlife, with life insights from numerous unsavoury experiences which are too many to bother to count, this quotation takes a new light. It now sits within a context that makes more sense. Its meaning becomes all the more clear.

I do believe that quitting is an option to be considered and taken but not one that should be taken lightly. It must come with the upmost scrutiny and deliberation. It has to be one done with deliberateness and with the most clear of intent. It being an option is where the problem lies with quitting. It can becomes the first choice we take when hit with an situation. If that is the case, truly the quotation in its most obvious sense is true especially when it becomes a habit. In this instance, the quotation is a dire warning to us all.

However, if alternative actions preceding to the action of quitting has been taken and the intent of the quit is clear, then quitting is a must for us to eventually win. The win is bigger than the quit. The quitting could just be a mile stone in the journey to win. What you don’t quit on is the journey. Sometimes in order to continue on the journey to a win, quitting something is a must because the consequence of not quitting might just lead you to losing the whole race. At best, not quitting could delay the win. A case in point is your dream. Not quitting your dream is a must but along the way, there will be times you will be called to quit.

Let us take a popular example of Thomas Edison, the poster boy of not quitting. He is famously accredited with the quotations “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”. Yes he did not quit on his dream of inventing a light bulb. However, I am sure he must have had certain theories or believes that he had to give-up or quit on in order for him to move forward in realising his dream? If not he won’t not have tested and failed so many times. What was he failing on? Certain hypothesis. Quitting those hypothesis is important for him to move forward. This is not the only true life example of how quitting does make winners. You hear loads of stories in the entrepreneurship world about this too.

So now that quitting is an option towards an eventual win, what are the criteria that makes quitting a necessity? Base on my own life experience and the coaching I have gotten, there are four consecutive questions that must be answered before taking the action to quit. If the answers is a YES at every stage, then by all means quit. If any of the answer is a NO, than don’t quit. The answer that matters in each of this question is yours and not anyone else’s. This is because you are the main actor of your life. It also requires your

The first question is “Have you done and be all that you can?” If the unequivocal

 answer is a YES you can move onto the next question. If there is hesitation or a NO, don’t quit. Be creative, go find more ways and solutions.

The subsequent question is “Are you not willing anymore?” ?” If the unequivocal

 answer is a YES that means you want to quit. Therefore, you can move onto the next question.

The third question is “Does quitting gets you to move forward & be better?” If the unequivocal answer is a YES that means you have thought of the consequences of the future.

The last question is “Are you clear of the reason why you are quitting?” If the unequivocal answer is a YES that means you have the clarity of your intent to quit. If so, now go quit quickly so that you don’t have to suffer further.

So back to the quotation by Vince Lombardi, I would still take inspiration from it with an added clause that says “Winner do quit with a clear intent and deliberateness to win”

Ancient Wisdom & Beauty in the Malay Peribahasa

I have always been fascinated by Malay peribahasa or proverbs. They are even more fascinating to me than pantun which is darn right cool and one of it’s kind prose in the world.

Practically all is cryptic yet there are ones that are more than others. These really cryptic ones are the ones I love most. These one are the ones that on the surface is saying something uncomprehensible yet it is actually referring to a certain context in a totally different world than what was being said. For example, Sudah Gaharu Cendana Pula. The crytic-ness of it is amazing. We need to understand what is Gaharu and what is Cendana. That is not enough. We also need to know what are the similarities between this two wood. Once we know that we then need to figure what these two type of wood is being pitted together. It is almost like a Dan Brown short story.

Imagine this being so confusing to those that are not familiar with these type of saying. I read somewhere once that the English when they first encountered these peribahasa being used in a conversation was perplex and astounded to the point that they thought the people were communicating in some form of a code which if you think about it is actually some what true. Yet, it is a code that can be deciphered by every Malay at that time which means it is not a secret.

Two things that fascinated me as I dwell into this. There is so much wisdom in coming out and using it. Once, you need to be an astute observer of all things. Two you have to be darn good at sythesizing the context of what you see with that of the real meaning you are trying to convey. These are not easy tasks. That is why for me peribahasa is ancient wisdoms handed down through generations.

And the beauty of why it exist makes it even more fascinating to me. It is used to not only teach moral lessons but is also used to be gentle in communicating feedback, advice and point of views. As we know, the Malays are famous in being gentle in their comments and criticism. We are not very good at being direct therefore, peribahasa is a perfect tool.

So, next time you hear a peribahass, stop and admire the words, the way it is structured and imagine how all that concept and context came about. Also remember what you are hearing is oral ancient wisdom being passed down in the most beautiful of ways.

Desire to Change, What Gets in the Way and How to Overcome it

Human beings don’t resist change, they resist being changed!

In the course of our life, as human beings, we always strive to be a better version of ourself. Abraham Maslow saw this as a serious enough need for human kind that he puts it into his theory of human needs. As you analyse further his hierarchy of needs, you will begin to see this innate need to better ourself, to be a better version of self is implied in the lower needs and spelled out clearly in the higher needs.

Embedded is our

  • desire to love,
  • be loved,
  • possess self esteem,
  • understanding,
  • knowledge, and
  • beauty

is our need to be more than who we are. To go beyond the ordinary of what we call self. To be transformed, ultimately to be a better version of ourself.

While at the higher part of the pyramid, actualisation and transcendence spells clearly our need to improve and change.

If this is so, wouldn’t we as human beings, will continuously strive and not let anything get in our way of change?

Yet reality says otherwise. In fact we resist change, we oppose it, we create imaginary obstacles, we even enrol others not to change. All these despite our innate longing for change.

Why is this so? Well, human being are a complex creature. For every forward movement system there is one that operates alongside it that holds you back; like a counter-balance. We actually have a lot of counter balance systems existing in our psych. The counter-balance system to a forward moving one is called the comfort & safety system.

Our desire to change must move us ultimately into a phase that is safe and comfortable. This is the default mode of our psych. This system is the overlord system. It sometimes defies logic and rational. It is so powerful that it overrides all other systems. It is an efficient system honed by years of practice from when we were born (the need to keep babies coddled) to adulthood. Besides being efficient it is not always effective. The reason for this comes from the fact that this system is lazy. It goes into auto mode to make things easy. It uses generalisation to do just this. It indiscriminate between the concrete and the abstract; the physical and non-physical world.

It seems like a tussle of systems yet majority of the time it is a one sided fight with the comfort and safety system winning.

So, naturally the question to ask is how do we win in this tussle? There are many answers to this question; some are harsh while some are subtle. Not one is better than the other; only different. Personally, I prefer the subtle approach because I believe the subtle way is evolution while the harsh way is a revolution; one lasts the other might last, one is gradual while the other is brutal, one is responsive while the other is reactive, one comes from the context of thriving while the other comes from the context of surviving, one is of confidence while the other is of desperation.

Well, the secret for the subtle way can be found in strongest trait of the system. It is true that in our strength lies our weakness. Remember that it generalises and seeks comfort and safety? Well, the secret is to play into that.

Start off with something non-threatening, small not big and a little bit outside yet besides the edge of our comfort. I call this place The experimentation space. This space is a space that the system will tolerate. The other things about the system is that it operates on proof. So make sure while you are in the experimentation space you create a result that the system likes. Then keep creating the result a few times (because the systems loves consistency) to entice the system to adopts the experimentation space as a part of the system thus making it no more an experimentation space but a comfy and safe space. You keep creating, easing, consisting and pushing the experimentation space until the desired change happens 😉

The only downside to this subtle way is that is requires a tremendous amount of patience and persistence!

But wait, maybe we should not look at it as a downside but as a bonus! How to do this, that is for another story that deals with another system of ours. 😉

Stay tuned.

Key to designing Personal Mastery Impact into Trainings

Recently, I was in Colombo conducting a Training of Trainer program for 40 odd trainers of UNDP HackaDev Social Innovation Camp; a 5 days intensive nationwide Social Innovation bootcamp. The bootcamp was designed with some elements of personal growth weaved into the technical subjects making it uniquely different that other such camps. This tweak was necessary to add the soul of innovation and entrepreneurship into the participants.

The 40 odd trainers were divided into two batches. In the second batch, I was posed a question on the effectiveness of training especially trainings on personal mastery and growth. Usually, what the trainer noticed was that at the end of such trainings, participants are euphoric and motivated with high-energy. Upon seeing this, we assume they got value and the training is a success. However, once they get back to the real world, the euphoria, motivation and high energy disintegrate and reality kicks-in. Upon seeing this, we now assume the training doesn’t actually work because all that “feel good – look good” factors have all died down.

This is actually a very common thing that happens with such training. The biggest reason is the fact that during the training, the space is safe and conducive for exploration. However, that kind of space diminishes quickly once we are out of the training i.e. real life.

However, if a training is well designed to take this into consideration, the outcome will be different. The impact can be designed. We need to have faith. But what is the secret sauce to designing this? Well, read on. The secret sauce will be revealed below.

To continue, it is important to first touch on the faith i mentioned above. My mentor, once reminded me to have faith because the work we do as personal growth practitioners is like planting time bombs. Some will “explode” fast, some takes time, some requires a specific condition/situation to explode.

I understood this because I truly believe that as human beings, we are a sum of all our experiences. It is in this quotation that lies the design secret to ensure impact for learners.

The key in the design of an impactful personal mastery initiative is EXPERIENCE. The more intense the experience, the bigger the time-bomb is. Experience is the fuse of the time-bombs we plant in our learners. If the element of experience is not designed into the training or workshop, chances is that we will have the same result as the training the trainer mentioned earlier in the article. This usually happens when the training is done impacting only the cognitive domain and not the affective domain of learning.

Once the affective domain is impacted, a human being can’t undo it. It becomes a part of them. Once an experience is embedded into a human being, it will affect their worldview and this is where the impact will start. Therefore, experience is the secret sauce to an impactful personal mastery trainings.

However, the appreciation of the experience might not be immediate. This is what we refer to as being time-bombs. For some, the appreciation comes almost instantly while other takes time and certain condition. Which ever way it is, the impact will happen. Have faith.

Note: Since as human beings we are a sum of all our experiences, we are all a new being every single moment. Our experience colours our worldview-glasses. We see the world through these glasses. So as the glasses tint differently, so do the world we see. The same world now looks different. For example, in the ‘same’ learning event we will see different things due to our ‘new’ glasses. (The tinted worldview are the glasses we wear to see the world around us)

The Opposite of a Victim

What is the opposite of a Victim being?

Since I started my journey in personal growth, one of the most intriguing concepts I have come across is the state of being called “Victim Mindset”; its characteristics, its damaging consequences and how to overcome it. When I first encountered it exactly 20 years ago, it made a significant impact in my life, so much so that it helped me get through the darkest period of my life. It was the one single personal growth ‘tool’ that I have utilised the most.

However much I am in love with this tool, there has always been an aspect of it that I have not been able to settle until now and that is “What do you call someone who has an opposite mindset of a victim?”

Throughout my journey in supporting others to appreciate and apply this wonderful valuable concept, I have come across and used various terms to describe the opposite state of a victim. Words such as responsible, empowered and driven. I have also encountered other words use to describe the opposite that I don’t fully embrace for specific reasons such as creative, active and forward.

Still, I feel all these words doesn’t truly embodies the true context of the opposite state of a victim. I struggled to find one, until recently. In this article, I offer you the word and why I feel it fits the context.

One of the biggest characteristic and consequence of a victim mindset, which is also my pet peeve, is the fact that a victim relinquish the power to determine his fate. This power is given to others, circumstances or even a set of conditions coming together. He doesn’t own his destiny anymore. He is like a boat in a middle of storm without a rudder, engine or sail. He is in a waiting mode. It reminds me of the Waiting Place in Dr. Seuss’s book “Oh, the places you’ll go”. A victim has no drive, no forward movement, passive, always complaining and doing nothing.

In this context, I am proposing that the opposite of a Victim Mindset is the Owner Mindset. Inherent in ownership is commitment and responsibility. This two drives action and moves us forward. In this mindset, we own up to what we have contributed into the game and not come from blame. An owner is fully aware of what he has done and what he wants and most importantly OWN it fully.

I also feel the word OWNER provides me with a positive mood. Somehow I find myself perk up, proud when I say the word to myself. Don’t you?

The Power of Redha and Syukur from a Human Potential Perspective

Redha & Syukur – Two Orbiting Values

As I grow older, I notice during my birthdays, I tend to be more reflective and melancholy. I use to remember (see I told you… reflective) in my younger years, the day bring along with it fun and frolic; a celebration of what might be, forward looking, a day to celebrate what is possible, one of the future.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not reminiscing of what is lost. I find both type of celebration exciting in the same way but from a different context. What do I mean? Let me explain.

Even though in, let’s call it, the younger celebration there seem to be an emphasis on the future it doesn’t mean in, let’s call it, the older celebration there is no future element. There is. That is what makes both exciting. The difference is that in the younger celebration there is very little or none at all elements of reflection. This could be due to the ‘invincibility of youthfulness’. Therefore, what is exciting about the future state is that it is unbridled, unbounded, carefree, air-like. On the other hand, in the older celebration, the future element is founded on reflection which makes it more grounded, realistic and achievable, earth-like. There is a sense of certainty. That is why I feel we accomplished more of what we set out to do in our older self than in our younger self. Both exciting from different context.

The other thing about the trajectory of celebration over time is that as the fun & frolic reduces over the years, joy & reverence increases. I believe this is due to the factor of reflection that also increases during these trajectory.

Why joy and reverence springs out of our reflection?

I contribute to two concept called Redha & Syukur. This two words or concept is what I call an orbiting value; one exist because of the other and both revolves around each other; can’t be separated. Tearing apart one will also tear apart the other.

So what is Redha and why is it one of the most powerful concept in Personal Growth?

First let is distinguish what it is not before we see what it is.

The word Redha is not the same as Pasrah. Pasrah is surrender to what has and might happen to me. It is a mindset. It is has a passive taste to it. It also has a static feel because it anchors to the past. It is a default mood. This mindset is powerful on its own because it is a pre-requisite to acceptance. How can I accept something if I do not surrender to whatever is happening? Yet, I find this is not enough for it is missing the element of action. This is where Rehda comes in.

Redha to me is a pre-requisite to taking action. In it there is pasrah with a few other elements in it. Redha is not only surrendering, accepting what has happened but it is has an element of nothingness to it. There is ownership of the event and a perfect contentment of it; means a state of happiness and satisfaction even. This is where Syukur comes in. That is why it is one and the same; an orbiting twin.

In Redha there is no attachment to the event anymore. There is no thread to the past or the event anymore; there is no energy there. All this comes from you wanting something different in the future. It is here that the essence of action is in Redha.

As I truly reflect my life during this older celebration, I find myself swimming in a vortex of Redha and Syukur of what I had and have, what I was and am and what the lies in my future; excitement of a different kind.

Alhamdullilah for my 52nd birthday on the 5th of Feb 2020.

Tweaks of Opportunities

Open or closed is what makes all the difference.

We have all heard and read the quote that says, “When opportunity knocks, open the door.” But wait. Why the need to open the door? Why not just let the door be open? Maybe what it should say is “Always open the door so that opportunity walks in”.

I feel the former statement is one of responsiveness while the later is one of pro-activeness. Both are good but one is better than the other. This little tweak actually is critical in creating a new reality.

A slight tweak in how we see things makes a lot of difference in what happens to us. Just like adjusting the dial on the radio. At one frequency the voice is muddled but with a slight adjustment of even 0.1, the clarity of the voice is so much more; multifold, exponential even. So how can we today tweak our thoughts, POV, mood, language, story or even our body such that our result is multifold?

Let’s take for example the quote “When opportunity knocks, open the door.” The vision of this quote sees someone in a room waiting for something to happen. He might be doing something in the room to occupy his time while waiting for opportunity to knock so that he can open the door for opportunity. He is not passive. He is active; doing other things while waiting. We can even say he is actively waiting; get it actively waiting. At the same time, opportunity is out there wandering around trying to decide which door to knock because she doesn’t know who is in the rooms, what condition is the room in etc. She is fully aware that she need to do the extra effort of knocking, entering, scanning and deciding. Opportunity also wonders how many door she needs to knock before she can find someone worthy of her. Opportunity must be wondering if there is an easier or more effective way to do her job. Don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with this scene. The question is would we want to be in this scene or is there something we can do to make this scene more desirable?

Well, it so happens that what it needs is just a little tweak.

The tweak is to just open the door. There is no need for opportunity to knock, wait for the door to open, come in, scan the room and the person in the room and then decide. Now all she needs is to look inside, scan and decide. If she finds a worthy receiver, she will just need to now tap the person in the room. As the person in the room, I now just need to go about my business and be ready for the tap on the shoulder by opportunity. Isn’t this a better scene? Well, this scene is called “Always open the door so that opportunity walks in”.

Maybe this musing of mine will be be morsels of thoughts for you this weekend; what does it take to be able to keep the door open, the room and me ready to receive opportunity? My thoughts on that will be in another arty.